Buttered Noodles

Background: I always have buttered noodles on hand for my kids as a safe food if they don’t like the dinner I’ve prepared. I’m not sure it’s a good parenting move, but It’s better than a tantrum at meal time. I’m embarrassed to even be writing this down as a move. I do so obviously not to prove my culinary prowess or because I think there’s anyone who doesn’t already know how to do this. I do it to let other home cooks out there know that when feeding the 5-and-under set, things might get really boring, repetitive, and beige. But this boring repetitive task also takes your time, attention, and skills. It’s just a different skill set than making steak au poivre with perfectly steamed asparagus and roasted baby potatoes with rosemary. If you’ve ever made dinner–any dinner–with two screaming five-year-olds in the kitchen without yelling at them and throwing dinner rolls at them, then you know what an insane collection of skills that takes.

1. Get some dry multicolored veggie-enriched noodles. Have boxes of them on hand. Like many many boxes.
2. Heat up an inch of water in a large pot over the stove and fill an electric tea kettle with water and start it at the same time.
3. Take some deep breaths and know you won’t be cooking this way forever.
4. When the water on the stove is boiling and the kettle has gone off, pour the kettle of boiling water into the pot of boiling water.
5. Pour enough noodles into the pot so that they sit just under the water line.
6. Set a timer for 8 minutes.
7. Get your spider strainer and a big refrigerator-safe container to store the leftover noodles.
8. Stir the noodles. The water should be evaporating pretty quickly, but there should be still some in the bottom of the pot when the timer goes off.
9. Scoop the noodles out with the spider strainer and put them in the container, but don’t turn off the simmering water yet. Let it reduce.
10. While the noodles are still hot, put some pats of butter on top of them and sprinkle with salt, gently fold the butter into the noodles until all the butter is melted, and adjust the salt.
11. Let it cool to just above kid eating temperature and then call them to dinner so they have time to transition. (You might need the entire cool down time for your kids. In that case, call right way and take some cool down time for yourself.)
12. While the noodles are cooling, throw some butter, dried herbs, and grated Parmesan and crushed black pepper in the pasta water. Taste and adjust the seasoning.
13. Divert a portion of the noodles you made for the kids to the sauce and warm them back up to adult eating temperature.
14. Take another deep breath. Call them to the table for the 4th time and feel pride that you just simultaneously made noodles for them and a classic Italian dish called Cacio e Pepe for yourself after work on a school night.

Why It Works

1. Do not be under the illusion that this is a serving of veggies. Actual real vegetables are always better than processed food. You are exposing them to the word “veggie” and different colors.
2. This is a weird method and you should feel free to just boil the water in a pot like a normal. I like it because I think it gets the water to boiling faster because boiling two smaller quantities of water, one of which is covered, is faster than boiling a whole bunch of water in a pot. The water in the pot is just there so I can get the pot heating up at the same time as the water without scorching the bottom of your pan. I’ve never actually timed this though and I’m not 100% sure that’s how physics works.
3. Seriously. I’m not going to say some BS like “deep breaths make everything taste better,” but I will say that I know for a fact that yelling back a kids who are melting down in the kitchen is a sure-fire way to ruin everyone’s dinner. I speak from experience. So. Much. Experience.
4. Time it if you want and check my math. Is it actually faster?
5. We were all taught to boil noodles in way too much water.
6. If you are also going to eat them, you might pull them just before 8 minutes.
7. This prepares you to reuse the starchy, silky water for your own sauce and get the leftovers ready to go in the fridge.
8. Because you are using less water than normal boiling pasta, you have to stir (gently, every once in a while) to keep the pasta moving around in the water.
9. Use the same container to mix the noodles with butter and salt and to store the leftovers in the fridge.
10. Butter and salt to your kids’ tastes.
11. You are going to be making this a lot. You will get the timing down perfectly.
12. Again, you will get the amount of each ingredient dialed in the more you do this.
13. I always make enough for me and my wife’s lunch and for backups for the kids the next day.
14. And you didn’t yell. Or maybe you only yelled so they could hear you call them to dinner over their laundry basket stair luge competition. Or you yelled because they doing something legit dangerous. Or you yelled because they do this every freaking night. Whatever. You got dinner on the table again. Good job.

Mods: These mods are all for you. Kids don’t like mods yet.

1. Now would be the perfect time to try some of those compound butters you made.
2. Wild onions/meadow garlic are a great addition to this. I know you have kids and thus limited foraging time, but you can probably find them in the wooded areas around municipal parks.
3. For a super easy quick mod, add capers and a squeeze of lemon to the sauce.
4. Beer braised mushrooms make an excellent addition to the sauce.