Crudités Platter

Background: So the big game is tomorrow and everyone is probably pumped about a new wing sauce or rib recipe. My contribution to a party is often the crudités platter. I love celery and ranch dressing as a snack, especially on big food days. Most people will eat a carrot or two. And hosts are usually grateful that someone is willing to bring a fresh vegetable contribution that’s not going to steal the show from any other dish. (Or, as Jim Gaffigan says, “Crudités is just French for ‘throwaway in a couple hours.”) I often make my own ranch or onion dip and sometimes I even make my own sour cream. Sometimes I put it in a bread bowl or even a hollowed out cabbage head when I know there’s a gluten issue. So there’s enough to keep me interested in the project. But that’s not why I do it. I do it because I like to stand there and get in the zone of just peeling carrots, washing celery, cutting up the sticks in a relatively uniform size, breaking the little florets of broccoli off the stalk, and arranging everything before going to a party. I find it calming. So it’s just a thing I do. It’s not a recipe. It’s just a series of moves, which I’ve enumerated below:

1. Buy 5 pounds of carrots and 5 pounds of celery.
2. Buy as much raw broccoli heads as you think people will eat (or more likely as much as looks nice and balanced on the plate, which is never the same amount).
3. Buy whatever other vegetables you want. I usually get radishes and maybe some multicolored grape tomatoes, depending on the season.
4. Get out a stock pot and something to put your compost in.
5. Start peeling the carrots into the compost container.
6. Cut off both ends of the carrots and throw them in the stock pot.
7. Cut all the carrots into even lengths. Halve them. Then quarter them. Rinse and strain in a colander.
8. Put however much will fit into your crudités platter and set aside the rest.
9. Cut the root end off the celery and throw into the stock pot.
10. Cut the celery into sticks the same length as the carrots, going straight through the whole bunch of celery.
11. Pick out all the leaves and put in the stock or compost. Pick out all the pieces that are less than perfect and put in the stock pot. Rinse and strain the good sticks in a colander.
12. If you aren’t making stock at the same time, put the contents of the pot in a freezer safe container and save until you are. If you are making stock, add onions and whatever meat scraps you have in the fridge or freezer.
13. Put however much will fit into your crudités platter and set aside the rest for mirepoix.
14. Break the heads off the broccoli and scatter or put in a pile or whatever. You know how vegetable patters work. Save the stalk and stems for other moves.
15. Take the platter to the party and take it home at the end. Your choice on what to do with the veg. How well do you know these people? I’d compost.

Why it works:

1. This is way more than you need. You are buying for the next move at the same time. Don’t buy baby carrots ever. They are the worst.
2. I always eat a few of these just to remind myself they they are only a vehicle for ranch dressing.
3. I always get two 3 pound bags of onions at the same time, but they don’t go on the platter. They are for mirepoix, which is the next move. Whatever else I buy is going to have as much color and as little prep as possible. That’s why I like multicolored grape tomatoes. A quick wash and they are ready to go. Radishes require more cleaning, but I think they are more satisfying and interesting.
4. Our city has municipal composting, so I just use the compost containers in our kitchen, ultimately. But I have a shuttle that I peel into.
5. I often put down a fresh piece of pink butcher paper to collect all the peelings and throw that into the compost (unless my own compost needs organic matter, which it usually doesn’t). When you peel, hold the carrot upside down with the root end on the paper and twirl as you move the peeler up and down. You don’t have to peel in only one direction and you don’t have to peel at a 45 degree angle.
6. I don’t know, physics?
7. There is much debate about the optimal length. I favor shorter sticks for a higher ranch-to-veg ratio. I feel like longer sticks just encourage double dipping.
8. My go-to platter is a large cheap plastic one with a lid and a nesting dip bowl that also has a lid. This is great for transport. I should probably invest in a prettier, more earth conscious one. Maybe I’ll do that when there is less breakage in our kitchen.
9. I mean, why is this even a step?
10. Trim the ends off the sticks that came from the end opposite to the root. They are usually the part exposed to the most air in transport and thus have started to oxidize more quickly than the rest of the stalk. They are fine for stock though.
11. Some people don’t like celery leaves in their stock because it can be bitter. I always throw them in, but I bet there are better things to do with them. Set them aside.
12. I mean, come on, if people can read this, don’t they already know all of this?
13. The real secret to this move is all the things you are prepping and setting aside. You now have 6 pounds of onions, peeled carrots, washed and chopped celery, celery leaves, a defloreted broccoli head or two, and a bunch of odds and ends in the stock pot. You are already well on your way to several quick healthy moves like bugs on a log, a broccoli slaw, mirepoix, and a pot of stock or broth, quick pickled onions, and caramelized onions.

Mods:

1. Use whatever fresh veg you like. The point is you are prepping ingredients for your next meals after the party.
2. Use whatever dip you like. But you know everyone really just wants ranch. Or maybe hummus, depending on your crowd.
3. Throw some daikon in there just to keep people guessing.